I feel like a failure
Words by
Triston
"Yaps on Record"
I recently got my 400th job rejection, which probably isn’t even the right number, since this is just from the LinkedIn platform alone, when I’ve used wayyyy more.
I think the hardest part isn’t even the rejection; it’s that I’ve done everything I was “supposed to do”, and it still doesn’t seem to be enough. Despite my academic and professional experience. I graduated with honors, moved out of state, and created passion projects for myself that I’m actually passionate about.
Hi, my name’s Triston & I honestly just wanted to yap a bit about what I’m going through, among thousands of other recent grads and overall professionals.
Watch this article here if you don’t feel like reading
According to an article about the psychology of fear, “Psychologists define fear as a protective, primal emotion that creates a biochemical and emotional response. It alerts us to the presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether physical or psychological”.
How do you keep creating art when the odds are stacked against you?
How do you keep moving forward and keep that creativity alive while you’re struggling? How do you keep that faith with your passion projects?
How do creatives who are just starting or who have done this for decades not throw in the towel? Like at what point does chasing your dreams feel irresponsible?
Girl, I’ve got no clue, but when I look at other creatives who I feel are super talented and worked for everything they have, it’s crazy that we just assume that they never have hard days, or that the industry is never pitted against them.
Tinashe is someone I’ve known about and listened to for a while, ever since her song 2 On came out - but when I was talking about my fears and being in this creative rut with my cousin, she told me to look more into Tinashe’s story.
Tinashe's Story
She’s a trained dancer, a Britney & Janet stan, an actress, producer, and songwriter. Basically anything she touches is absolute magic AND she’s talented so it was crazy to me when I found out that she had gotten dropped from her label in 2019 at RCA Records. She successfully went independent after leaving them, gaining creative freedom and ownership of her masters.
The hard thing about being an independent artist that I feel like no one really talks about is the lack of resources. There’s no label to send your music to radio stations, rub elbows with other artists, or even bring you into that convo, and no built-in relationships with music distributors like Spotify or Apple Music to get you playlisted - and arguably, one of the huge factors in getting your music into more people’s ears is not having a big marketing budget to help you promote your music. Everything you want to happen literally falls on you to make happen, and as you can imagine it gets very costly. You get to keep full creative control, which is what Tinashe really wanted, but she had to sacrifice the built-in system in the process.
She kept releasing music on her own terms, kept building her audience directly, kept creating and it took years. AKA Years of people counting her out but she’s still here, still making music, & growing just on her own terms. All of her work thankfully paid off when her song Nasty took off though.
Now it wasn’t overnight, but she decided that the music mattered more than the validation of a system that had already said no to her, and kept trying, and that’s what I keep thinking of during this really confusing period in my life. Making art during a hard time isn’t a distraction from the struggle - sometimes it’s the only way through it.
To be completely candid here I have soooo many things I love to do and I strongly dislike with a passion when people try and limit someone’s passions and creative endeavors. Now don’t get me wrong, someone might pop off for one thing - like Tinashe or Chloe from ChloexHalle being a singer but they’re both also producers. Just because they’re known for singing, does that make them any less of the latter ya know?
As someone who’s trying to find creative ways to fund her art and interests, I can’t help but feel a bit of imposter syndrome. I feel like a lot of the projects I personally release are rushed and if I pause to take time on it i feel like time will pass me by and I’m worried I’ll miss my idk prime or time i guess (I know this makes absolutely no sense) but I’m just scared because music is something I cherish so much not only as an outlet, but as a friend if that makes sense.
Now, I’m not the only artist or creative who uses my art as a form of therapy, but I'm also finding a way to make an income from it.
There’s a plethora of artists who had flop eras and still created art in the midst of funding it and surviving overall but honestly, to me and I’d like to think a lot of other artists, a part of us would literally die if we don’t create. I guess I can only speak for myself but I think it really is that serious.
As Kelela, the super underrated an talented artist says: “When my peers and I, especially my black women artist peers, get together and figure shit out together. When we talk about our experiences as visible black women—as black women in the world. It helps me survive on the daily. It is the family I have right now. It is those group chats. It is when we see each other at the festivals. It is those moments that give me absolute life. It is the thing that helps me feel confident to create the music that I make.”
At the initial time I wrote the first half of this, I didn’t have a job, and now I have a social media position, and I’m also trying to get my production company, which I started when I was in high school, back up and running. I’m still trying to find ways to balance not burning out creatively while also giving it proper attention, as I still try to support myself out here over 1000 miles away from home.
The best way to deal with it? Girl idk fuck it, just make some.
What I was listening to as I wrote this:
You by Miagma
The First Taste by Fiona Apple
Pan Gloss by Josh Wink
SLIP AWAY by BLOODY
Resources:
Originally published on Substack